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...holy shizall, maura elizabeth is that you?...
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 7th, 2004|09:33 pm] |
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oh, and that guy who said that i was an intelligent, thoughtful, unique girl, he came in today, and he asked me how i was, no, he really asked. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 7th, 2004|09:31 pm] |
marry me?
i mean... i don't care. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 7th, 2004|12:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  devastated. | ] |
and i'll save the messages until i see you again...
just in case... |
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| it's all about taking the easy way out. |
[Jun. 6th, 2004|11:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lost. hella lost. or without? | ] |
| [ | music |
| | elliot smith. holy fuck elliot smith. | ] |
what could i possibly say to you?
and he sits there with his posture, and i sit there with my legs so long, and there, and its not the type of thing you would consider pretty, it's dull, and un-inclined (Maybe!) but, i've missed this, and i've never really had this before, and i wonder how many numbers i was behind, and how many parts of your insides think its really okay to talk to me, that there is nothing wrong with calling me, and there is no uneasiness soaring through these lines...
there isnt.
so what can i say? i need to know. i need permission. something of that sort, and you are older than me, and it never mattered but you are smarter than me, and you pushed that aside, and and and of course the second i am losing all of this, is the second i need it the most. oh cliche, how close we trully are. how trully close we are?
what are they going to think? what tone of voice will they mock this in? yes, it doesnt matter because a year later you have gotten what you want...
a year...
why is this happening? promise me that the eraser isnt heating your room tonight, well, your room for the night, i love you, i do, i swear, at 16 and 17, and right to the edge. please please please.
and being grateful without vegetation, you have no idea. and i'll learn just to talk... and i have a few days plus a few more to prepare for this, this is what i am scared of. but not at all, this is something i am used to. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh but i couldnt say anything.
reflector! i mean, reminder!
and, day 1, you layed on the bed i didnt sleep on, and you read a book, and you were arrogant, and mysterious.
day 2, we match, and i sleep on you, and know more about you than i should, and miles, there and back.
day 345678910111213, who knows, we can sit at tables for minutes at a time, and i float up stairs that arent mine, and you walk out the door that is never locked from the inside, and we can laugh and scoff... we did. i loved it.
and we talk about it now, and i play concerned, and you play indifferent.
so what now besides waiting and wanting to take back the silly moments when i felt weird, when i should have just felt fucking loved.
and i hate this. because it is what it is, and i hugged your mother once after you left one day, and we cried over you together, and you never knew...
and she and i look at each other now as if it never happened... but... but... but....
and days when i was allowed... you would take me away, and say that i hated you, and throw cigarettes out the window just to please me, and i remember i kissed your neck while you wore red, and i watched you dance, and i admired it, and i was celebrated, and sometimes i feel like all the things you've said to me just sort of seemed right at the time, but so... not true?
and today you remembered what i think about all the time, and you said you got to see me out of my usual habitat, away from the me that would do all the things i am "famous" for, and i remember you telling me what you had heard, and even though i never really performed for you, you said you loved me anyway...
this bothers me, because you have no idea how often i think of you, and how i hold on, and wish it wasnt so stupid of me, and how i do love you, and want things to work out of you, and how i want to go back... or to the beach like we were supposed to that day....
and you might not remember...
but... good luck? |
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| life is a bitch, well life is a beach. |
[Jun. 6th, 2004|12:15 pm] |
sooooo, this weekend was hella illmatic. on friday heather and i went "shopping", and then hit up the road to go to Rhode Island. We stayed with boys, and kleptoXcore-ed it up, and got to go the beach. mmmmmmmm. then we went back to the house, and hahah well, slept, then we woke up, and went to super walmart!, and the beach again, and then we went into this little cabana thing that had a pool and a hot tub just for us, and yeah, it was amazing. we had amazing times this weekend.
( go team us )
and then i came home and slept, and saw eternal sunshine of the spotless mind with michelle, and cried alot. oye. |
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| i cant pronounce that noise. |
[Jun. 4th, 2004|12:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | modest mouse | ] |
too many songs making me need a boyfriend. this stupid song, that heather was playing in my car the other day about not having to take our clothes off to have a goodtime. the kid is a fucking jackson for chistssakes! oh jesus... and that stupid semisonic song is driving me crazy, fucking, the stupid driving me crazy song, i could relate to that shit as well... but really.
i know amazing people. there have just been times in the past few days when i was with heather and dan, and we would all begin laughing, and id just be so happy, really, really happy.
i am so stuck in the literary-ness. (can you tell?)
college... oh yeah... that. i am not so sure about the whole working thing, too many people that i know come in, and ask me about myself, and tell me my hair is cute, and then there is that girl i used to know... and seeing her, just makes me... weird. and sorry.
of course it does. but this is all amazing.
that guy, that talked me into not leaving that day came in a few days ago, and his eyes widened at the sight of me, and he didnt say a thing, and i froze, and i hate the fact that he knows me, and oye. i wonder how that girl is doing.
so piebald makes me feel illmatic.
i am inlove with a boy. (thats a lie)
i miss being excited over you. effin. you.
yesterday i called you.... yesterday i called you loverrrrrrrrrr
FUCKING JEFF, I MISS YOU SO MUCH.
what can i say about that? last week i went on an adventure with myself to find my dearest jeff, and the second i saw him my heart just burst, and it hurt in a good way. and i love him so much, and the way he makes me feel.
ohhhh, and a week or so ago i went for a walk with brian dutremble. and i am going to marry him.
and ksenia. i talked to her for a few seconds, and its weird, because like, i love it. i love every single second i get to talk to her.
and i feel silly over everyone.
keith dusoe is my fucking hero 24/7 and that isnt even an exageration.
there is more. the other day i went out to eat with cassie, and she was talking ("and you know what i said, i said "fuck it") and i just love her, and i was so fucking in awe.
and michelle, ive drove around with michelle many a time in the past few days, and its weird because im not 15, at all, not even a little. and i realized a year of my life went shhhhhhhhh.
and all these silly numbers, with their silly colors.
but i want to be inlove, and i know that i never have been, i dont think.
but i still cant focus on anything
my room doesnt have the same tint, and ill be hours away in a month, or minutes away a year ago, and its weird how these things arent mentioned though they had a way with me, oh wow. but really, i need to all layed out and covered... tucked in, even.
and that boy! that one that i kissed. fucking god.
and and all the other ones who arent anything now.
but this is good and descriptions of suchs things are easy to catch in the butterfly net i might still have...
but what about a piano?
and remembering the words. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2004|12:41 am] |
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hold me tight and dont let go... |
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| freeeeeeeeeeeeeeedom. |
[Jun. 2nd, 2004|12:16 pm] |
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holy goodness, there is so much to be worried about right now but i simply(okaynotsimpleatalliswear) do not care, not even a little, because i really just want to spend the remainder of the day kissing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2004|12:46 am] |
i looked around in hopes that i was maybe radiating some sort of curve in the way i tilted my head in whatever it was that i was feeling, reading all those silly lines on those little cards that dont really matter, but everything they said dove straight to the bottom of my stomach, and floaties are sooo early 90's
so much to fall for. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 1st, 2004|12:30 pm] |
Hi guys. I'm going to be in Western Massachusetts today. Yes, hold your date books, Heather, Dan, and Maura will be making in-store appearances all over the North Hampton/Amherst area, Tuesday, June 1st.
Really though, if you take pity on slobs like us, call Maura's cell phone (5089639337.. and she doesn't mind me posting it on the internet..) and we will come wash your feet.
-------------- oh heathers journal
DO IT UP! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 31st, 2004|04:30 am] |
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im alomost 18, but i am wearing a shirt i wore when i was 15, no seriouslty i wicked am. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 31st, 2004|03:31 am] |
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sunglasses attained! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 31st, 2004|03:19 am] |
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hoply fuck guys. i need sunglasses to go online right now because i keep calling everyone i know and tellingn them stuff and by e4veryone i mean, keith andg regg, andi am like hey guys, and i talked ksenia for teh first time in like 60 years and and i sriously need sung;asses right now because my eyhes are burning so bad and i feel so fucking dumb right now ow ow ow ow, but f real, everyone is gonna hat eme totmorrow btu right now i talked to my mom gfor a good hou4 or so about everything that has been bothing me since 76 grade and its good but my eyes burn and i need to get up tomorrow for work but i dont wanna i just wann abe kinssy and shit ohj fuck, ow eyes. but i feel so bad about tonight, and i just wqanna make it not exist anymore i need a boyfriend, i talked yeah, okasy nbut i freal. i neeed ow. okay seriously ok,. i dont even know, i am so awake righty now and i need tonight to not erxist anymore. errrrrrrrrrrrr/ kfeel so dumb UGH. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 30th, 2004|05:56 am] |
its not like my life ended when i came home to find that someone had eaten my salad.
really.
it's not.
(i think i just want to slow dance with a boy that makes my floaty, sort of) |
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| ATTENTION! |
[May. 29th, 2004|03:36 pm] |
FUCKING JOIN NOW! |
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| come on baby, light my fire. |
[May. 27th, 2004|08:56 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | lauren hill. oye. | ] |
there is a lot to talk about, but i guess this pretty much sums it up.
Oh and I had sexual intercourse with Maura Elizabeth Curtin in front of the entire Burncoat High School graduating class of 2004.
-Dan Schap.
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2004|01:26 am] |
i am sleepy, but not asleep which is sort of wack i guess but now i am not as sleepy as i thought i was so... forget that.... well. i dont know.
last night was weird in a "i feel like a wicked asshole i hate myself with ferocity" kind of way... but... i dont care, because i laughed a lot. and i hate my body and everything about myself but thats alright because... well, because i laughed a lot.
my head is really tired and my hands are really fan like, so nothing is making enough sense to fill up the confusion front that seems to be coming in faster and faster, and fasterrrrrr, and fasttttttttterrrrr, and i am tilting my head back in forth as a type.
people are watching a movie about people doing up that hate crime shit. hhmmm. i want to be sleeping not in this sweater.
yoouyouyyouyouyou. |
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| ps |
[May. 20th, 2004|02:19 pm] |
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and Cassie Rose is the loveliest girl ever. and I saw Cailiahhhhhhhhh <3 |
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