>>>it's in the way that she was<<<

oneplasticsorry @ 2004-06-08T09:19:00

2004-06-08T13:19:48Z

nonuglykissing

mmmmmmmmm. join

oneplasticsorry @ 2004-06-07T21:33:00

2004-06-08T01:34:38Z

oh, and that guy who said that i was an intelligent, thoughtful, unique girl, he came in today, and he asked me how i was, no, he really asked.

oneplasticsorry @ 2004-06-07T21:31:00

2004-06-08T01:32:12Z

marry me?

i mean... i don't care.

oneplasticsorry @ 2004-06-07T12:58:00

2004-06-07T16:58:37Z

and i'll save the messages until i see you again...

just in case...

it's all about taking the easy way out.

2004-06-07T04:12:27Z

what could i possibly say to you?

and he sits there with his posture, and i sit there with my legs so long, and there, and its not the type of thing you would consider pretty, it's dull, and un-inclined (Maybe!) but, i've missed this, and i've never really had this before, and i wonder how many numbers i was behind, and how many parts of your insides think its really okay to talk to me, that there is nothing wrong with calling me, and there is no uneasiness soaring through these lines...

there isnt.

so what can i say? i need to know. i need permission. something of that sort, and you are older than me, and it never mattered but you are smarter than me, and you pushed that aside, and and and of course the second i am losing all of this, is the second i need it the most. oh cliche, how close we trully are. how trully close we are?

what are they going to think? what tone of voice will they mock this in? yes, it doesnt matter because a year later you have gotten what you want...

a year...

why is this happening? promise me that the eraser isnt heating your room tonight, well, your room for the night, i love you, i do, i swear, at 16 and 17, and right to the edge. please please please.

and being grateful without vegetation, you have no idea. and i'll learn just to talk... and i have a few days plus a few more to prepare for this, this is what i am scared of. but not at all, this is something i am used to. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh but i couldnt say anything.

reflector! i mean, reminder!

and, day 1, you layed on the bed i didnt sleep on, and you read a book, and you were arrogant, and mysterious.

day 2, we match, and i sleep on you, and know more about you than i should, and miles, there and back.

day 345678910111213, who knows, we can sit at tables for minutes at a time, and i float up stairs that arent mine, and you walk out the door that is never locked from the inside, and we can laugh and scoff... we did. i loved it.

and we talk about it now, and i play concerned, and you play indifferent.

so what now besides waiting and wanting to take back the silly moments when i felt weird, when i should have just felt fucking loved.

and i hate this. because it is what it is, and i hugged your mother once after you left one day, and we cried over you together, and you never knew...

and she and i look at each other now as if it never happened... but... but... but....

and days when i was allowed... you would take me away, and say that i hated you, and throw cigarettes out the window just to please me, and i remember i kissed your neck while you wore red, and i watched you dance, and i admired it, and i was celebrated, and sometimes i feel like all the things you've said to me just sort of seemed right at the time, but so... not true?

and today you remembered what i think about all the time, and you said you got to see me out of my usual habitat, away from the me that would do all the things i am "famous" for, and i remember you telling me what you had heard, and even though i never really performed for you, you said you loved me anyway...

this bothers me, because you have no idea how often i think of you, and how i hold on, and wish it wasnt so stupid of me, and how i do love you, and want things to work out of you, and how i want to go back... or to the beach like we were supposed to that day....

and you might not remember...

but... good luck?

life is a bitch, well life is a beach.

2004-06-06T16:26:08Z

sooooo, this weekend was hella illmatic. on friday heather and i went "shopping", and then hit up the road to go to Rhode Island. We stayed with boys, and kleptoXcore-ed it up, and got to go the beach. mmmmmmmm. then we went back to the house, and hahah well, slept, then we woke up, and went to super walmart!, and the beach again, and then we went into this little cabana thing that had a pool and a hot tub just for us, and yeah, it was amazing. we had amazing times this weekend.

weeeee i look fat, ahhhhh

beachness!

seagulls are evil!

hot tubbbb

then some guy came in and decided to boil us! and turned on the jets but they were really boilers!

boiling for our bad deeds. haha not.

and then i came home and slept, and saw eternal sunshine of the spotless mind with michelle, and cried alot. oye.

i cant pronounce that noise.

2004-06-04T04:51:16Z

too many songs making me need a boyfriend. this stupid song, that heather was playing in my car the other day about not having to take our clothes off to have a goodtime. the kid is a fucking jackson for chistssakes! oh jesus... and that stupid semisonic song is driving me crazy, fucking, the stupid driving me crazy song, i could relate to that shit as well... but really.

i know amazing people. there have just been times in the past few days when i was with heather and dan, and we would all begin laughing, and id just be so happy, really, really happy.

i am so stuck in the literary-ness. (can you tell?)

college... oh yeah... that. i am not so sure about the whole working thing, too many people that i know come in, and ask me about myself, and tell me my hair is cute, and then there is that girl i used to know... and seeing her, just makes me... weird. and sorry.

of course it does. but this is all amazing.

that guy, that talked me into not leaving that day came in a few days ago, and his eyes widened at the sight of me, and he didnt say a thing, and i froze, and i hate the fact that he knows me, and oye. i wonder how that girl is doing.

so piebald makes me feel illmatic.

i am inlove with a boy. (thats a lie)

i miss being excited over you. effin. you.

yesterday i called you.... yesterday i called you loverrrrrrrrrr

FUCKING JEFF, I MISS YOU SO MUCH.

what can i say about that? last week i went on an adventure with myself to find my dearest jeff, and the second i saw him my heart just burst, and it hurt in a good way. and i love him so much, and the way he makes me feel.

ohhhh, and a week or so ago i went for a walk with brian dutremble. and i am going to marry him.

and ksenia. i talked to her for a few seconds, and its weird, because like, i love it. i love every single second i get to talk to her.

and i feel silly over everyone.

keith dusoe is my fucking hero 24/7 and that isnt even an exageration.

there is more. the other day i went out to eat with cassie, and she was talking ("and you know what i said, i said "fuck it") and i just love her, and i was so fucking in awe.

and michelle, ive drove around with michelle many a time in the past few days, and its weird because im not 15, at all, not even a little. and i realized a year of my life went shhhhhhhhh.

and all these silly numbers, with their silly colors.

but i want to be inlove, and i know that i never have been, i dont think.

but i still cant focus on anything

my room doesnt have the same tint, and ill be hours away in a month, or minutes away a year ago, and its weird how these things arent mentioned though they had a way with me, oh wow. but really, i need to all layed out and covered... tucked in, even.

and that boy! that one that i kissed. fucking god.

and and all the other ones who arent anything now.

but this is good and descriptions of suchs things are easy to catch in the butterfly net i might still have...

but what about a piano?

and remembering the words.

oneplasticsorry @ 2004-06-03T00:41:00

2004-06-03T04:41:54Z

hold me tight and dont let go...

freeeeeeeeeeeeeeedom.

2004-06-02T16:17:33Z

holy goodness, there is so much to be worried about right now but i simply(okaynotsimpleatalliswear) do not care, not even a little, because i really just want to spend the remainder of the day kissing.

oneplasticsorry @ 2004-06-02T00:46:00

2004-06-02T04:49:23Z

i looked around in hopes that i was maybe radiating some sort of curve in the way i tilted my head in whatever it was that i was feeling, reading all those silly lines on those little cards that dont really matter, but everything they said dove straight to the bottom of my stomach, and floaties are sooo early 90's

so much to fall for.

oneplasticsorry @ 2004-06-01T12:30:00

2004-06-01T16:30:43Z

Hi guys. I'm going to be in Western Massachusetts today. Yes, hold your date books, Heather, Dan, and Maura will be making in-store appearances all over the North Hampton/Amherst area, Tuesday, June 1st.

Really though, if you take pity on slobs like us, call Maura's cell phone (5089639337.. and she doesn't mind me posting it on the internet..) and we will come wash your feet.

-------------- oh heathers journal

DO IT UP!

AMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-06-01T15:45:39Z

i love amber with ferocity, seriously, fucking seriously.

oneplasticsorry @ 2004-05-31T04:30:00

2004-05-31T08:30:49Z

im alomost 18, but i am wearing a shirt i wore when i was 15, no seriouslty i wicked am.

oneplasticsorry @ 2004-05-31T03:31:00

2004-05-31T07:31:47Z

sunglasses attained!

oneplasticsorry @ 2004-05-31T03:19:00

2004-05-31T07:23:28Z

hoply fuck guys. i need sunglasses to go online right now because i keep calling everyone i know and tellingn them stuff and by e4veryone i mean, keith andg regg, andi am like hey guys, and i talked ksenia for teh first time in like 60 years and and i sriously need sung;asses right now because my eyhes are burning so bad and i feel so fucking dumb right now ow ow ow ow, but f real, everyone is gonna hat eme totmorrow btu right now i talked to my mom gfor a good hou4 or so about everything that has been bothing me since 76 grade and its good but my eyes burn and i need to get up tomorrow for work but i dont wanna i just wann abe kinssy and shit ohj fuck, ow eyes. but i feel so bad about tonight, and i just wqanna make it not exist anymore i need a boyfriend, i talked yeah, okasy nbut i freal. i neeed ow. okay seriously ok,. i dont even know, i am so awake righty now and i need tonight to not erxist anymore. errrrrrrrrrrrr/ kfeel so dumb UGH.

oneplasticsorry @ 2004-05-30T05:56:00

2004-05-30T09:56:58Z

its not like my life ended when i came home to find that someone had eaten my salad.

really.

it's not.

(i think i just want to slow dance with a boy that makes my floaty, sort of)

ATTENTION!

2004-05-29T19:37:21Z

nonuglykissing

FUCKING JOIN NOW!

come on baby, light my fire.

2004-05-28T01:01:43Z

there is a lot to talk about, but i guess this pretty much sums it up.

Oh and I had sexual intercourse with Maura Elizabeth Curtin in front of the entire Burncoat High School graduating class of 2004.
-Dan Schap.

oneplasticsorry @ 2004-05-23T01:26:00

2004-05-23T05:32:34Z

i am sleepy, but not asleep which is sort of wack i guess but now i am not as sleepy as i thought i was so... forget that.... well. i dont know.

last night was weird in a "i feel like a wicked asshole i hate myself with ferocity" kind of way... but... i dont care, because i laughed a lot. and i hate my body and everything about myself but thats alright because... well, because i laughed a lot.

my head is really tired and my hands are really fan like, so nothing is making enough sense to fill up the confusion front that seems to be coming in faster and faster, and fasterrrrrr, and fasttttttttterrrrr, and i am tilting my head back in forth as a type.

people are watching a movie about people doing up that hate crime shit. hhmmm. i want to be sleeping not in this sweater.

yoouyouyyouyouyou.

ps

2004-05-20T18:20:02Z

and Cassie Rose is the loveliest girl ever. and I saw Cailiahhhhhhhhh <3

oneplasticsorry @ 2004-05-20T14:06:00

2004-05-20T18:07:35Z

oh god, its happening, i am moving out of my current room. its getting painted over, and everything. OH MAN. ahhhhhhhhhh hahah SO MUCH HISTORY. all the writing on the walls everything, the fires, the kissing, the movies, ahufadsjkfhsdjfhsdjhfjksdhfjksdh OH GOD. I AM SO NOT READY FOR THIS!

Oh Woah.

2004-05-19T16:54:13Z

So yesterday was fucking amazing. I picked up Amber, and Libby, and we ventured out to Newbury Comics only to find out that we had just missed Piebald playing (later, amber and i decided that they only stopped when they heard us pull up, they were all like "Oh shit, they're here! *throws guitars down, pushes everyone into a line, pretends they never played*") so we just went in to give Piebald some sass because we missed them. I SAW PEOPLE THAT I LOVE AND NEED TO SEE MORE FUCKING OFTEN! Standing in line was fun because I had air sex with Shannon<3. So I gave Piebald some sass and napkins. Travis said he remembered me but I told him that he said that to everyone, so he wrote it on my poster, even though I really didnt care to get anything signed but it was nice anyway. I made up some story about how Aarron hit me, and they were all like "Aarron!! YOU HIT HER?!" and he was like "Oh shit, I could recognise that voice anywhere, TALKING SHIT!" It was great. He remember me harrassing him for his Ozma sweatshirt. I was just like "Yeah! He hit my face and it bruised for TWO WEEKS!!!" it made me giggle. Aarron drew a fist on my poster.

We rolled out, and we were like "aw fuck, it sucks that we missed them, lets just drive to boston and watch them play there. So we did. We got there early but it took us forever to get to Newbury Comics, and I paralell parked with ferocity (but spelled right). So we were just waiting around at Dunkin Donuts and Amber was like "Oh look, its Aarron." and he turned around and saw us and was like Oh My God. and I felt like such a stalker. It was so bad. But then we went inside and Aarron came over and was like "Why did you tell everyone in the world that I hit you?!?! and Travis came over and was like Seeing you twice in one day?! and they were both like thats it! go sit in the corner, you're in detention." but then I explained to them that we missed them play and we had nothing better to do and we werent that creepy. So it was all good.

Seriously. I love Piebald so much. I just feel so good whenever I listen to them. When they started playing dust started to fall off the lights so it looked like it was snowing. And throughout the whole set Aarron kept looking at me and shaking his fist and then laughing. And Travis laughed at me and Libby when we were dancing. And we were standing in front of Andy, and I was saying something to him, and then I hit him, and he was like "THIS GIRL JUST HIT ME! and Aarron was like "That girl has problems! She told everyone that I hit her at the last instore! and Andy was like "well did you?" and was like "Well, yeah, she was talking mad shit" and I just pointed to my eye and kept saying "didnt heal for two weeks" and everyone in the store was like "Uhhhhm." (haha yeah Amber, my two minutes of fame). but yeah. It was fucking incredible.

After the set, we were leaving, and Aarron came over to me and hugged me and was like "lets take a picture!" and i was like "no! i dont want one with you" and i was like "ew youre all sweaty!" and he was like "no! lets take a picture!" so we did and he was like "What was your name again? I forgot" and I was like "Ew. I hate you." and he was like "At least I care to know youre name!" and it was great, and it made me happy. (Ps: If anyone is wondering, I am still inlove with Aarron, haha yesterday definately got me over the whole them being wicked high ordeal)

Then Luke came over and I just started whining, and he was like "Okay! First stop whining, now what do you want!" and I tried to get his shirt, and hat, and told him that no one in Piebald knew how to share, and yeah. Amber loves him, and we took a picture, and he was like "Are you guys coming on Sunday?" and I was like "No, that would be weird." and he was just like "Uhm... okay... well... dont .. do anything... weird... I guess."

Yeah. The shit that comes out of my mouth. Seriously. Amber and Libby I am so sorry ahah I am so embarressing

We rolled out, and yeah, Libby was talking about how great it was, like when they play "King Of The Road", we were actually in the Newbury Comics they were singing about. Ah and that is really amazing. Oye we are all so cheesy. I love it. but yeah. Fucking great. Cant wait til Sunday.

So we drove home in a monsoon from Boston, and then hit up the band room. Followed by sneaking into the Crown Plaza at one in the morning, climbing over a fence, and swimming under this weird thing, it was fucking stellar. We are so badass. haha we were all running down main street barely wearing any clothes. I loved it.

Yeah, yesterday made me feel young. like woah. sigh. and who says everyday can't be a party?!

the first piebald encounter of the day. Notice that Aarron is punching me in the face. thats about right.

us being sassy. (these are hella blurry)

me with two of the most beautiful girls ever invented.

then we went to Boston and sat on a bear. and there was a canadian goose crossing the street. on the way there. yup.

Sup' D&D rockin' the curb.

piebald is amazing, and i have 90000 pictures of them playing.

Aarron being all sweaty in my grill.

"Awwwwww" with a side of more "awwww"

Keith dancing. OYE!

if you think it's easy being this illmatic it isnt. it cost a lot for gas.

we went swimming!

Oooooooooooh

2004-05-17T19:21:54Z

So this weekend was reallllllllllly weird.

On Saturday, I went out to Dartmouth with people. We went to a show, and I ran away and fell asleep on some random comfy couch bench. Then Libby, and I were floaty, and we ran around outside after the show, and Libby tried to catch a bunny, and I was really happy. Yup. We went back to Matt's house, and then people were going to Charlton to be sketchy, so I went with them, and I guess I was actually drunk for the first time ever, which was weird, because yeah. And there wasnt a trampoline, but oh well.

Then last night, I went to Boston to Keith to see Mindless Self Indulgence (who by the way, I dont even listen to, and I only know of them because I saw them with KoRn in 8th grade!), and it was so fucking funny. We got there and there were so many people with big pants, but it was so much fun. I crowd surfed like an asshole, and when I was getting up to the stage the second time, the lead singer was like "dont ever lose weight", in the middle of the fucking song, and I didnt even realize that he had said that to me, and then he went on this long rant about all the little girls in the front. So yeah, then I got kicked out, and I befriended other people who also got kicked out as well. I waited for Keith, and when he came out I was like "the lead singer sang to me!!" and he was like "Yeah he told you not to ever lose weight" and I was so confused and weirded out. So I snuck back in past the big scary guy, and there were all these people obsessing over the lead singer, and I just walked up, and he was like "YOU!!!!" and I was so confused, and then HE FUCKING KISSED ME LIKE CRAZY. I didnt even ask him, he just started making out with me, and I was like "WHAT?!" and all the other girls were mad, haha, but yeah I asked him what he had said to me and he was like "dont lose weight" and I was liek "thats so weird because i am obsessed with me weight" and he was liek "what? like gaining some?" and yeah and he kissed me like a million times, like he would just be signing something and he would finish and just kiss me more. It was really fucking weird. But FUN. YESSSSSSS.

So then I met back up with Keith and we tried to sneak back in again but we couldnt, then we ventured back to Boston, and I drank on the way home, so I guess I was 'tipsy" according to Liz, and "buzzed" according to Keith, and we all went to WPI where everyone was playing games, and I ran through the sprinklers with Libby, and jumped on the wet mat thing, and made a fort with Liz and Sheena, and made a Jake on the ground with his clothes, and I laughed a lot, and I was so happy but I was acting like a such an idiot and everyone hates me but oh well, I had too much fun.
but yeah. eeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

cassie growlingggggggg

saying bye to my dearest keith at the space.

me and the kicked out crew.

me with the hott girl (Lyndsay) from Mindless Self Indulgence

Me with the lead singer all up ons my shit. Look how confused I am.AHHHh. i didnt resize it EITHER.

suture the future

2004-05-16T17:09:20Z

vrrrrooom. you and your 5 year-old tint, so i guess i lose, which is weird because i have more time than that but i don't care (i don't think, i am not sure) but i am wide awake now and grateful for all the things i hate (even though i don't really hate them at all) and i remember remembering that it was all going to be different (and not just like this, but something of this kind. (if that even makes any sense) (parenthesi is a good noun) ) but i could tell you all these things in the midst of them being washed away, which is good because then there is nothing left to hold against me, only the thoughts or the sound of the things i said, and those aren't so heavy, right? right. (i know they can hit hard sometimes) i used to have a hard time falling asleep, and now i sleep everywhere, and i get butterflies everytime i think of the little things that had got me winded (not just because i am out of shape but because of.... Uhhhhhhhh (INSERT FREE FALLING).

but everytime i feel okay, i feel as if i have just settled but everytime i feel bad i just want to feel okay, but its still comfy anyway so how can i even think to let that go, and that sick feeling... has its "in a good way" as well... so... i can't even contemplate which side of the stage to exit.

so i love you?

oneplasticsorry @ 2004-05-14T23:06:00

2004-05-15T03:23:17Z

this is weird. i am currently at a store that smells like worcester with long hair, and peter is whispering things to me, and he seems confused, and there is a woman in the back getting her nosed pierced and cassie is giving her support and its done!, and i ate dough+fried, this is gooooood. and shawn tells me to stop updating lj, and its funny how the man here let me go online, but he wouldnt pierce my faceeee. bdc! cold feet, and and and a woman who is drunk and talking about weed because thats what people do in stores like these. and pete and shawn keep having the same conversation with this drunk lady over and over about buying a pipe. and windows make me happy, and i am soo happy right now and i was the whole way here and i love it. i love it. peter called me a social butterfly. i wish i knew the name of that song. anyway. this makes me happy, time for home now!